I Tried Meditating & Accidentally Made Eye Contact With My Soul”
🧘♀️**“I Tried Meditating & Accidentally Made Eye Contact With My Soul”**
A Not-So-Serious Guide to Meditation and Wellness That Might Actually Work
Let me begin by saying this:
I once tried meditating and fell asleep to the sound of my own breath.
Ten minutes later, I woke up, drooled on my yoga mat, and called it spiritual enlightenment.
Namaste, baby.
Welcome to the wild, weird, and wonderfully wobbly world of meditation and wellness—where everyone looks suspiciously calm, owns a Himalayan salt lamp, and says “energy” way too often without explaining what that actually means.
But let’s take a breath (inhale like you’re about to blow out 27 candles, exhale like you just realized you forgot to turn the stove off) and dive in.
☕ Chapter One: Meditation Isn’t Just for Yogis in the Himalayas
Once upon a time, meditation was something you associated with bald monks sitting cross-legged on mountaintops. Now it’s something you also associate with Karen from accounting who swears her dog’s chakras are blocked.
The truth? Meditation isn’t that deep.
Actually, it is deep, but like... in a way you can do while wearing pajamas and eating peanut butter out of the jar.
Meditation is just sitting with yourself without trying to change anything. Which, ironically, changes everything.
It’s like dating your own mind. Awkward at first. Then beautiful. Then slightly terrifying. Then beautiful again.
🧠 Chapter Two: Your Brain on Meditation (No, It’s Not Just Vibes)
Scientifically speaking—because even quirky blogs deserve a fact-check—meditation changes your brain.
Neuroscience says:
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It increases grey matter (aka brain gains).
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Reduces cortisol (bye, drama queen stress hormone).
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Enhances focus (finally, a way to read more than two pages without checking your phone).
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And boosts emotional regulation (so you don’t scream when someone chews loudly near you).
In short: Meditation gives your brain a spa day.
Except cheaper. And less cucumbers.
🦄 Chapter Three: The Different Types of Meditation, Explained Poorly But Accurately
Let’s break down some common types of meditation, so you can pick your poison—I mean, practice:
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Mindfulness Meditation
Sit. Breathe. Watch your thoughts like clouds. Don’t chase them. Just judge them silently like a snooty art critic. -
Loving-Kindness Meditation (Metta)
You basically send love to yourself, your friends, your enemies, your barista, and your ex who still owes you money.
Yes, it’s hard. That’s the point. -
Mantra Meditation
Pick a word or phrase. Repeat it. Over and over. It’s like chanting but less culty and more calming. -
Body Scan Meditation
Close your eyes and check in with every part of your body. Feet to head.
Bonus: It reminds you that your legs exist after a long day of sitting like a shrimp at your desk. -
Movement Meditation
Walking. Yoga. Dancing alone in your room to ABBA.
If you’re present, you’re meditating. Yes, even while moonwalking.
😴 Chapter Four: What No One Tells You About Meditation
Let’s clear up a few myths.
Myth #1: “My mind is too busy to meditate.”
Congratulations! You’re human. Meditation isn’t about having a silent mind; it’s about noticing that your brain is planning dinner while also reliving that embarrassing thing you said in 2011.
Myth #2: “I need to sit still like a statue.”
Nope. Wiggle. Fidget. Float like a butterfly, meditate like a bee.
Myth #3: “Meditation is boring.”
Only if you find your own existence boring. Which… fair, but also maybe go deeper.
💡 Chapter Five: Wellness Is Weird (and Wonderful)
Meditation is the gateway drug to wellness. Next thing you know, you’re buying herbal teas you can’t pronounce and Googling the phases of the moon before making decisions.
But here’s the thing—wellness isn’t about being perfect.
It’s not green juices, $200 yoga pants, or a morning routine that starts at 4:00 a.m.
It’s this:
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Taking five minutes to breathe.
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Saying no when your body says “not today, Satan.”
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Drinking water like it’s your job.
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Doing one kind thing for yourself every day.
That’s it. That’s the secret sauce.
🐢 Final Chapter: Start Small, Stay Weird
You don’t have to meditate for an hour or chant Sanskrit while levitating.
Start with one minute.
Just you. A breath. And the radical act of being still in a world that keeps screaming “more.”
Wellness isn’t a destination. It’s a dance between doing and being.
Between chaos and calm.
Between the part of you that wants to scroll Instagram and the part of you that just wants a minute of peace.
So go ahead. Sit down. Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath and accidentally meet your soul.
She’s been waiting for you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a five-minute meditation that will somehow take me to a whole other dimension—or just a really nice nap.
Either way, I’ll take it.
🧘♂️✨
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